Jesus Is In My Vacuum Cleaner
These are the times I’m glad I don’t worship idols. I had a reasonably nice complete little crèche set until Saturday. The cat ate Joseph’s head then batted the baby Jesus and manger under the couch. Somehow (probably the cat again), Jesus got out from under the couch and I’m reasonably sure I vacuumed him up. Hence, Jesus is residing in the vacuum bag until further notice.
Either that or he’s missing altogether.
Either option is distressing.
Both of these options would be much more distressing if I believed little plastic Jesus was the all-powerful god of the Bible.
So here’s another thing related to the situation. When I was talking to Emily about this before heading to Brighton on Saturday night, she got this look on her face I’ve seen all too often on the faces of many friends over my life time and only just now begun to interpret. It’s the “I don’t get it, but keep talking and I’ll probably clue in in a minute” look. I have to ask myself, am I proud that that love me enough to hold on and figure me out? Should I be flattered I’m interesting enough to figure out? Am I just an ultra-odd being?
Whatever, I liked the wedding last night.
Bad
I'm sitting here tonight feeling bad. Not bad like MSU issues bad or I- stuck-my-toenails-to-the-carpet bad, but EVIL bad. You see, today was a makeup lab with my THR PRD kids.
We started little. I applied a gash to my hand and then made it infected and added stitches and bruising. The kids followed suit.
Then we did bruises and black eyes. I'm tired of doing bruises and sick of making black eyes so I decided to give myself a challenge. I rolled the putty and applied just over my eyebrow and down the right side of my face in a deformed, upside down, Y-shape. I smoothed the edges into my own skin and dented a line down the center of the Y. I dabbed reddish lipstick into the wound and started shading the area around it with yellows and greens, then edged a large area with dark pink lipstick and purple and blue eyeshadow. The result was ghastly.
Class ended and my students went off covered in bruises and black eyes, puss-filled cuts and burn scars. I ran out of time and had to go teach without cleaning off my own demo. I quickly forgot I was wearing the prosthestic and kept being surprised when people reacted to my presence by doing a double take.
Now you have to understand, I have struggled all my life with self-editing--stopping those words which should
not come out of my mouth before they burst off my tongue and maim someone. But sometimes that little shield that covers my wicked side slips and I'm left in the rather unusual position of realizing I've said entirely too much. Then all that's left to do is decide whether to apologize profusely or enjoy the mayhem.
I've been reading David Sedaris'
Me Talk Pretty One Day. He has a sister who does not edit. In fact she has chosen to make life a piece of avant-garde performance art. He relates how she once yelled back at him as she was leaving the subway "Good luck beating those rape charges!"
This is funny, but not quite enough for my to play her game. It's the next incident he relates that got me in trouble today.
She was chosen as one of NY City's most interesting women. Rather than getting her hair and makeup done to perfection, she told the artist to make her look like someone had beaten the s**t out of her and they did a very good job of it. When someone on the street would ask her what had happened she'd reply "I'm in love! I'm finally really, truly in love!" and enjoy the horrified stares.
You can see where this is going.
I took off the putty portion before leaving school but left the bruising and a bit of discoloration. I completely forgot about it until I was in a store and the shopkeeper asked what had happened. Without a thought, I turned to her with a radiant smile and said, "I love him! He's just simply wonderful! I'm finally really, truly in love!"
There was a split second while her ears communicated with her brain and her brain had a few choice words with each and every one of her facial muscles. I was struck with a barely contained half giggle and then full-on remorse. I apologized and explained myself, then left quickly.
What an awful thing to do to her, but it was so much evil fun!
The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe
Yi and I saw
The Chronicles on Narnia last night. ‘Twas good. Two things struck me…
Turkish Delight. When I read the book as a child I assumed Turkish delight must be a savory dish with mushrooms and rich gravy. Heck, Edmund made it his first wish out in the cold snowy nowhere of the forest directly after drinking cocoa. That’s what I always wanted when I came in from a snowy walk in the woods with my parents and brother. Even after I knew it had to be a candy, I kept thinking it must be something warmer and richer. I don’t know why I couldn’t imagine it as a sweet, but I couldn’t.
Needless to say, when I got the chance to sample some many years later on a foreign shore (I may have actually done this in Ankara, Turkey, or perhaps Alexandria, Egypt?) I jumped at it. I finally accepted when I saw it that it really was a sweet, but I was expecting something like a soft delectable gumdrop based on appearance.
It was nothing like a gumdrop. It was foul. I bought a small assortment that contained orange, lemon, spearmint, rose and bergamot flavors. To this day I do not know what bergamot is nor do I particularly wish to learn except to avoid it more efficiently.
And do not eat things that are rose flavored. Roses are meant for smelling and looking at, perhaps candying the petals for decoration.
I have forgiven Edmond for betraying his family but I cannot forgive him for that slimy/soft flour-covered goo of Turkish delight.
Aslan’s eyes. I looked a lion in the eyes once. I was staring at him and he casually turned his head to stare back. For the first instant I thought hey, coo…. but before that thought could fully form I was mesmerized.
Somewhere deep in me the prey instinct kicked in. I breathed shallowly. My legs turned to jelly. My heart jumped and then started to pound adrenaline through my veins. I couldn’t look away. It was as if he was deciding about me. Weighing me as a threat or food. I felt like food.
Then my intellect kicked back in. I blinked. I remembered I was in the Land Rover. I remembered he had just had hot wild lion sex with his lady friend in front of us. The chances he was interested in eating me were minimal. Relief flooded my muscles as I relaxed into the seat.
He’s not a tame lion.
Quizzes
| The Movie Of Your Life Is A Black Comedy |
 In your life, things are so twisted that you just have to laugh.You may end up insane, but you'll have fun on the way to the asylum.
Your best movie matches: Being John Malkovich, The Royal Tenenbaums, American Psycho |
If Your Life Was a Movie, What Genre Would It Be?
| Your Ideal Relationship is Serious Dating |
 You're not ready to go walking down the aisle.But you may be ready in a couple of years.You prefer to date one on one, with a commitment.And while chemistry is important, so is compatibility. |
| You are a Believer |
 You believe in God and your chosen religion.Whether you're Christian, Muslim, Jewish, or Hindu..Your convictions are strong and unwavering.You think your religion is the one true way, for everyone. |
But let's be honest--how nuanced can a quiz with five questions be?
Calhoun...Clinton...Eaton....Gratiot...Hillsdale....INGHAM!.......
Grand Ledge....Haslett....Lansing Seventh Day Adventists....Lansing Public....Wait! if Lansing's down Holt has got to be!....
Calhoun...Clinton...Eaton....Gratiot...Hillsdale...Ingham.....
Greater Lansing Islamic Academy....Haslett...HOLT!!!!!!
Snow Day!
Hallelujah, Praise the Lord and I'm going back to bed!
The Great Green Tea Review
Over the past few months I began a quest to curb my consumption of caffeine. It began with a lament something like this:
ÂAh coffee! Nectar of the gods! Thou hast betrayed mecaffeinateded I am too full of vim to be tolerated by surly high schoolers in the golden hours of the afternoon! Decaffeinated you are but a hollow shell of the rich flavorful beverage I adore. How shall I assuage my longing for you?Â
The answer came in tandem from my doctor (who also saw a large cup twice a day as too much for a perky person such as myself) and a dietician friend who confirmed green tea as a suitable alternative.
Yet this was not enough. Though I had two very good references, I simply could not bring myself to betray the rich dark liquid that had gotten me through so many early mornings, insured my water had been boiled in foreign lands and tasted so smooth on my tongue. It took a trip to Grand Rapids and an afternoon with a long time friend and tconnoisseurure to convince me perhaps tea did indeed smell as good as my beloved java and did not taste entirely like a cup of yard work.
And so my journey of a thousand tealeaves began with a single cup of Peach Kiwi Green. Since that day, I have been trying teas wherever I could get them (well, I still wonÂt pay for a cup out. Out is for Fancy-Frou-Frou-Coffee-of-The-Highest-Order.). I have tried all manner of teas, but IÂm afraid I still find many of them utterly forgettable. Here are the ones I can remember, sorted by brand, caffeine, taste and enjoyment:
LiptonsOrange, Passion fruit & Jasmine: This tea smells like fruitcake and my grandmother. She smells somewhat tropical, so thatÂs a good thing. It kinda tastes like orange and kind of like Bath & Body Works, but not as soapy. It does not get very strong and I liked that. I actually went out and bought a whole box to keep on hand. E-Rating: Yummy
Plain Green Tea.: Tasted like IÂd forgotten to put in flavor, then became very sharp and leafy. The only package I actually threw out. E-Rating: IÂd rather drink hot water.
Lemon Ginseng: A light lemony flavor over the green tea mentioned above which surprisingly not only made it bearable but actually desirable. Finished the package quickly. IÂm also wondering if it had slightly higher caffeine content than the others, because I sure was cheerful. E-Rating: Invigoratingly Pleasant.
Honey: Completely un-honeylike, but passable when I was running low on other preferred flavors. I think itÂs kinda like fake watermelon flavoring; everybody knows itÂs not what watermelons taste like, but itÂs good anyway. E-Rating: I wouldnÂt buy it again, but more pleasant than burned coffee.
Mint: It tastes like watery mint. Not unpleasant, but not remarkable and kinda a let down. I expected more of a tingly feeling of mint, but instead got a slightly toothpaste-y beverage. Do not let this tea cool. E-Rating: Passable.
Mixed Berry: Fruity and fun, IÂd drink this any day. Still, it didnÂt taste fruity enough from fruit or tea-y enough for tea. An interesting beverage and probably my favorite of the bunch. E-Rating: Yummy
Final Comment for Lipton: What is a ÂflavonoidÂ?
Celestial SeasoningsGreen Tea: Good grief people! What did you put in this stuff? It seemed to constantly steep quickly. It was either water or sharp enough to melt my spoon. E-Rating : No, no, no! Bad tea!
Honey Lemon Ginseng: Preferred to LiptonÂs, but that might be a packaging issue. I kinda think I should have steeped a bag of the homey and a bag of the LG of LiptonÂs together to really get a fair comparison, but as I usually grimace a bit getting the first sips down, why do that to myself? E-Rating: Passably Yummy?
Chamomile: One should not drink weeds. Period. Not even worth rating as it was so close to the taste I get when mowing in the fall.
Raspberry Gardens: OOOOoooooo! Me likey! This one smells like really real raspberries and tastes kinda like them too! Right up there with the mixed berry.
E-Rating: Double Yummy.
Decaf Mandarin Orchard: Prior to this experiment, orange was the only tea I could get down of my own free will without a significant social encouragement (i.e. my Egyptian land lady inviting me down for tea and then expecting that I actually drink some). This did not disappoint. Perfect for cold afternoons in the classroom when I had a second cuppa joe at breakfast. E-Rating: Tired and true, I really like the stuff.
Decaf Mint: See the Lipton description of mint tea. No mint for me methinks.
Final Comment to CS: The beauty of your boxes will keep me coming back. They are a joy to behold and make my cabinet perkier.
Salada
Green Tea with Purple Anti-Oxidants: Um, this smells like blueberry from 18 inches away. Unfortunately, it just tastes like tea. May have a second life as sachets for my drawers. E-Rating: Very nice in the first-date-with-a guy-who-would-beÂperfect-for-my-best-friend way.
So darling joe, have no fear, IÂm still thoroughly in love with all your flavors. I shall not forsake French Vanilla or Toffee, Mackinaw Island Fudge or Crème Brule, Morning Blend or Fair Trade Rwandan. Afternoons I must slip my glass a bag of different brew, but I am yours until the clock strikes twelve.
A Hole to Crawl Into
I don’t understand why some things make me so insecure. I hate conflict. I mean I HATE it. I love a good discussion, I don’t mind a bit of an argument, but open conflict of the sort that involves somebody being right and somebody being wrong or somebody having to give in on something thye really don’t want tot it hideous.
I feel like that with MSU right now. It should be a simple professional misalignment of they think about their requirements one way and I think about them another, but in the end one of us has to give in and meet the other’s demands. I automatically want to cave, but I really want to have my MA and can’t spend more money to get it. Hence, I’ve dug in my heels and become an incorrigible woman. I’m reasonably self assured, reasonably confident, and can act the rest, but I’m shaking in my boots and “crying inside wanting what’s mine.
It makes me want to move. But that really wouldn’t help anything. So I’ll stay put and fight until I have to acquiesce.
It’s not very noble.
MA Again
Ok, I need prayer. I called MSU yesterday and discovered no action has been taken on appealing my class. I'm pissed. And I need wisdom. Pray this gets resolved soon and in my favor. I'm so mad I could squish something.
