Meg's Musings

So I Am a Crazy Lady

I've been waiting until I was in a better mood to write, but it seems my general disgruntledness is not going to evaporate in the immediate future. I have nothing huge to complain about, it's just that some huge things have been going on around me and I cna't seem to find my balance. I'm still projecting cheerful/serene, but I'm all in knots inside and only the husband is around but I've needed some real honest-to-goodness girlfriend/guyfriend laughter.

But that's not going to happen soon. Not time to trip up to Lansing. I tried to join BSF. No go. I tried to join a small group. Great fit age, goals, and fun-wise, but the group the church dumped me in with was all single girls. I'm all for the single ladies, but they were not all for me. Since they've only known me as a married, I just couldn't seem to establish a "me" identity in the group and got lots of comments about how easy I have it now that I'm not looking for a man until I couldn't take it anymore. Sigh. I hope I was less irritating when the roles were reversed. Probably not. Anyway, it was mostly a social club-- not exactly the spiritual challenge I was looking for. Small groups are re-forming all the time at a huge church, maybe the next one will work a bit better or maybe we'll do a couples one once Dave is done with his class. I never thought I'd miss Lansing so much when I'd been slowly unplugging from it for years.

Still, I'm getting to know my neighbors better, slowly getting to know people at work and making a few friends at a discussion group we attend. There' s hope. And it took two years to get plugged back into Lansing after Egypt.

There's also just plain been a lot going on. Work has the biggest project it's ever handled (a superfund environmental cleanup ) going on, which is good for my learning curve. We had a gas leak the gas company didn't believe existed until I sent them a picture of our dead grass out front (then they showed up at 10pm and stayed until well past midnight). Grandpa is still holding on, but is no longer manufacturing red blood cells & needing regular transfusions. Do I ask God for more time with him, or pray for an easy passing? I'm still miserabley torn. We nearly evicted our renters this month (lalala, twenty days late on rent). That took a lot of prayer but was probably really good for my character (wry smirk). Anybody know how bad a thing it is if your car seems to be losing a fair amount antifreeze, but doesn't seem to be leaking? And I'm thinking someone's messing with our mail. These are the bad things, but there is good. Seeing my mentally handicapped cousin get married was a life-affirming event. We've been working on the yard--turning it from weeds to grass and some small plants that will fill out in a year or so. Tom & Liesel reenacted their wedding, our first anniversary is nearly here.

Add to this that I had a very disturbing conversation with an old friend about some issues in their life and don't think I managed it very well, have completely forgotten a bridal shower this weekend I was supposed to help with, learned an aquaintance died before (what I'd have called) her time (but apparently God's time and my time are on different times. No question. I lose.)

I have been struck by the passing of Susan H. It's a quiet grief. I knew her from a distance, friend of friend type thing for the most part. But I remember when she and Joel started dating. I remember seeignthem at weddings. I remember a sweet, unassuming spirit in her, I grieve for a life ended early, a young husband without his wife raising a child that will not hold memories of his mother's kiss. I know heaven is good. I know Jesus is waiting. I know pain ends and the experiences she's having make this life a shadowland, but it's no less painful for those left here and not one of us would choose to enter it before our stories are played out here. Peace & grace upon you Joel & Noah, peace and grace upon you who loved her.

There's emotional pain, and then there's physical pain. As some of you know (and some are completely unaware), I've struggled with endometriosis for years. Look it up, I'm not explaining that one.

Anywho, this means I've been on different hormone pills (translate: birth control pills) since 1995. No study shows that this is definatively harmful, nor definatively helpful. BUT, they do seem to be the best shot at preserving fertility. Unfortunately, after a time, my body adjusts itself to the pills and I'm back where I started--cysts, pain that wakes me up at night and other such exciting symptoms.

Add to this, the family of drug I do a round of every few years, the best one by far, has the side effect of "psychological problems" in some patients. Turns out I'm "some patients" and the side effects are insane mood swings, crying, believing everyone hates me and I'm incompetent. My focus goes. This doesn't help with the feeling competent piece.
I use the generic version until it's not effective, then take the full-strength version until I can't take it anymore.

I started the generics in December. I've been on the pure stuff since the first week of April. I spent last Tuesday night crying because I couldn't go to the H/J wedding and had to get up a 2am to drive to PA for my cousin's instead. It started on the way home from work when I realized my cruise control was dead and didn't fully end until bedtime. What the heck?

So now I'm off it and on a lesser version. And I was up three times last night with a sheer burning pain in my side. Now what?

Basically, I'm dealing once again with the "big questions". I thought eventually I'd grow out of this and settle into a placid peace in which I slowly, deliberately, walked with God and the rest of it faded to the background. Am I really a grown up? I'm scared.

posted by Me @ 23:05