Meg's Musings

Thoughts in My PJs on a Friday Morning

I think about God a lot. I don’t necessarily talk about him as much as I talk to him and occasionally people catch me praying and figure I’m just talking to myself. Chalk up it up as another step toward crazy cat lady hood.

The little daily choices are in black and white (or perhaps some other color scheme less loaded with good/bad or racial imagery). Say what’s on my mind or swallow my words. Admit an emotional reaction or gloss it over. Get the oil change or lazily hope the person borrowing my car will do it.
These little choices add up to living in the gray. It’s rarely a true white or black. It’s all in the shading.

This messy gray area is where I am just now (and usually, but not usually as consciously). One part is about hurricane Katrina. That is third world shit down there. Freakin’ crazy. Nature is doing a better job at disrupting us than terrorism ever managed. Marshal law, rapes, people dieing from lack of basic sanitation and water, snipers, gunfire at aid vehicles, looting. And don’t get me started on the media’s racial bias.

The other area I’m dealing with murky grayness is the personal life. I think it’s almost time to blog a bit about the men who have passed through in the past few months.
I’ve come to the conclusion I’m not overly hung up on any one of them, but there are things I MISS about each of them and things I miss about who I was when I was with them. I don’t know how to be those things on my own. And I’m not sure I can. Being with someone who’s working on being your other half and working to be theirs is different than being single.
I’m fine on my own. I’m whole on my own. I’m working on growing that part of my character that got suppressed in relationships and training it toward God. I want to have integrity over these next few months of dedicated singleness. I don’t want to forget the crap that comes with being with another fallible human being and the crap that bubbles to the surface out of me. But I don’t want to forget how good it was to be with him either.

What does god have in store?

posted by Me @ 08:34